WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Everyone says I win the strip club
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
