He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
