Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
