Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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