thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
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His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
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Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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