I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
