Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
