I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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