I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
