I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
