there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
