How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
