Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
