Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
