Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
