I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
