I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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