He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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