Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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