You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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