I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
