hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
