I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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