Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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