Jerry, you need to find god
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The uberlube is also flammable
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
