At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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