My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
