Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
