I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
