you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
honey bunches of taint.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
