I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
