i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
