Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
