In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
