look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
