FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
