Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
