Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
