he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
