If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
