I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
