Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
