i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
