I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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