i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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