At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get