My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
