Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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