it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
