She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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