Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
