I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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