I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
