Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
