I'm jealous of your bromance
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
