i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Two words: nipple clamps
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