I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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