i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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