that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
