I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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