i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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