just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
